Journal
1 November 2024

Happy (belated) Halloween :) Just wanted to share some pics of me and Sasa yesterday, we were old Internet themed essentially hehe, I'm frutiger aero and he's emo :p

I honestly ate way too much candy...

29 September 2024

Went to the beach yesterday and felt really peaceful. I've been recurringly struggling for a bit with feelings of insecurity and instability despite the fact that my life is in a better spot than it has been for a long time... I think it's because of the unfamiliarity of stability and real love to me, but in that moment at the beach, I thought about the grains of sand; under a microscope, they look so huge and detailed and complex. I thought about what it would be like if I was a bug, like an ant, and the sand would be huge to me, and I would see that level of detail with my naked eye. I thought about what a gift it is to be a human, so complex and with a consciousness.


Video I took.

Sand under a microscope.

22 September 2024

Built up this site between last last night and through today too. Couldn't stop thinking about it, even in my sleep. So much in my life is so different now. When I made my old site, my life was in a very difficult spot - sustained discomfort for a few years, actually, but having come to a head in March 2023. The old site was a way for me to distract myself and also do something I'm "good at" that I can feel proud of, and actually, it worked well for that purpose, and I'm really happy I did it. That being said, I'm also aware that there was still a strong undercurrent of "fronting" at that time - doing things because I wanted to look a certain way rather than so-called "true desire". I know that these terms can be hard to define - after all, how can I say the current version of this site is completely divorced from wanting to have or project a certain aesthetic appearance? That being said, I know in my heart that my old site was built from desperation to try to reach my "true self", whereas now I feel vastly more clear headed and lucid of what my true desires, goals, and so forth are. Overall, I found building this new site vastly more comfortable - I can't deny that partly it's thanks to the more prebuilt nature of the template I'm using, although I did make lots of edits drawing upon the html of the old site - the entire notebook background image here I edited in Photopea, lol.
I've noticed so many changes in everything ever in my world. It's not to say my older site, with its comparatively more brutal, gloomy medieval theme, has no place in my heart and identity anymore - it definitely does and always will! That being said, I simply realize I don't feel a constant sort of gloom and doom as I did before (for reasons that are obvious to me, but maybe not necessary to spell out here), and I'm just not all that invested in "the darkness" anymore. I used to have an active academic path in areas like white nationalism and other kinds of political extremism because the extremity and harshness of the terrain had a magnetic draw for me. It feels funny to think how much of that had to do with just... my worse mood overall. But now, I find myself pretty disinterested in engaging with those kinds of things - I'm in love for the first time, and my world is bright, full of color and life, and I just want to do things that make me happy.

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